Thursday, October 10, 2013


NEW PLAY Now Available - PAR FOR THE COURSE - Play Script Extract

PAR FOR THE COURSE by Peter Gordon



SIMON: (horrified) What are you doing?

TIFFANY: Sausages... (Wrinkling her nose)... do they look done to you?

SIMON: I didn’t mean what are you doing... I mean what are you doing?

TIFFANY: (frowning) Still sausages.

SIMON: You’re on the bloomin’ putting green, woman!

TIFFANY: (cheerfully) Yeah... I thought it made it look nice and picnicky.

SIMON: Do you realise how much effort goes into getting it in such pristine condition?

TIFFANY: Looked a bit scabby to me. Anyway, sorry, but it’s full of holes.

SIMON: (condescending) Those are for the members to practice putting into. That’s why it’s called a putting green.

TIFFANY: No, not the big holes, silly... I mean the little holes. (Reaching down to pick up one of her shoes and holding it up for SIMON to see. Guiltily.) I was sinking in a bit.

SIMON: (moving to examine the green) Oh, my God!

TIFFFANY: (pulling a face) Yeah, wherever I stood it was like... oops! (Brightly.) But it’s alright... I’ve taken them off now.

SIMON: (shaking his head) Haven’t any of the members told you to move?

TIFFANY: Oh, a few have... but I just told them to bog off.

(SIMON looks aghast)

Only kidding. I just told them that you said it was alright.

SIMON: What? That’s even worse!

TIFFANY: Well, you never said it wasn’t alright and there was nobody here to ask!

SIMON: (straightening chairs, agitated) Do you realise how this is going to make me look in front of the Greens Committee? It’s a fiasco... it’s just not on! (With a sudden thought.) Have you got a food hygiene certificate?

TIFFANY: (looking around helplessly at the chaos surrounding her) Do I look like I’ve got a food hygiene certificate?

SIMON: Mmm... point taken. Message received and understood. But what if you poison everyone? How’s that going to make me look?

TIFFANY: (giggling) Like an accomplice I suppose.

(The sound of a ball being driven off a nearby tee is heard.)

SIMON: (looking out on to the golf course, and shouting) That’s the way, Roger, nice and steady.

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